E-MAIL DAVID CAMERON AT: dddoc65@talktalk.net
Hi for some time now I've been writing skitz & with a wealth of material it's about time I published a few on the net in the hope someone in TV will take the chance in buying my skitz for what ever projects they have.
Feel free to change the names, locations and syntax to suit your needs. I mostly write from a Scots point of view & know the rest of you don't always understand what we're saying.
But the comedy is there & that's all that matters.
Feel free to contact me at dddoc65@talktalk.net Like I said, I have many more skits for sale plus I almost have 3 full half hour TV comedy sitcomes finished & up for grabs. But writing sketches is realy my thing. The sitcomes where a chalenge I set myself to see if I could do it. The third one needs an ending, but hay I'm getting ahead of myself.
Plus one sketch was sent to THE COMEDY UNIT PRODUCTION COMPANY IN SCOTLAND WHO HAVE HAD MANY GREAT COMDIES TO THERE NAME LIKE "STILL GAME". But they have so much sent to them it can take up to 20 months for them to replay.
dddocproductions SKITZ
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(50 PORN PIX FOR 50 PENCE) JUNE 11 2005 (003)
SCENE 1: A MAN SITS DOWN BY HIS PC & PLACES A BOX OF CLEAN X BY HIS SIDE. HE LOGS ONTO A WEB SITE CALLED "50 PORN PIX FOR 50 PENCE"
SCENE 2: THE MAN TYPES IN HIS ACCOUNT NUMBER & SMILES TO HIM SELF AS HE LICKS HIS LIPS.
SCENE 3: THE MAN LOOKS PUZZLED AS HE STARES AT THE SCREEN. HE USES THE DOWN ARROW KEY TO SCROLL DOWN THE WEB PAGE.
MAN : YA BASTARD!
SCENE 4: ALL THE PICTURES HAVE THE WORD " PORN " WRITTEN ON THEM, USING 50 DIFFERENT FONTS & ON DIFFERENT COLOUR BACK GROUNDS. NO NUDITY WHAT SO EVER IN THE PICTURES JUST THE WORD "PORN".
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(WHAT AM I) JUNE 11 2005 (004)
SCENE 1: A GROUP OF PEOPLE IN A HOUSE TELL JOKES THEN IT COMES TO THE LONG HAIR MAN DAVYS TURN.
EVERYONE : HA HAH AH AH AH AH AH AH.
JOE : THAT WIZ A BELTER KAREN, EXCELLENT HEN.
KAREN : HERE DAVY, IT'S YOUR TURN TO GO UP & TELL A JOKE.
DAVY : AH DON'T KNOW ANY JOKES.... I'M PURE SHIT AT THINGS LIKE THAT.
JOE : COME ON WEE MAN!
DAVY : AW RIGHT! BUT IT'S AN IMPRESSION I'LL DO. I'M NOT TELLIN' ANY JOKES.
SCENE: DAVY GETS UP.
EVERYONE : YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
DAVY : OK! WHAT AM I?
SCENE: DAVY HOLDS HIS ARMS ABOVE HIS HEAD & HOPS TO THE SIDE LANDING ON HIS RIGHT FOOT FIRST EACH TIME.
KAREN : WHAT THE HELLS THAT MEANT TO BE?
DONNA : GOD ONLY KNOWS KAREN. BUT IF IT'S WHAT MY OLD BOYFRIEND HAD, THEN IT'S CRABS.
EVERYONE : HA HAH Ahhh.
DAVY : NAW!!! I'M A KIND OF MONKEY?
KAREN : A KIND A MONKEY? WE BETTER CATCH IT & PUT IT OUT OF IT'S MISERY THEN.
EVERYONE : HA HAH AHAHAH.
DAVY : FOR GOD SAKE, I'M A WEE LEMMA MONKEY.
JOE : WHAT?
DAVY : HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN ANY WILD LIFE PROGRAMS ABOUT LEMMAS. THAT HOW THEY RUN AROUND ON THE GROUND WHEN THERE OUT OFF THE TREES. THEY BOUNCE AROUND WITH THERE ARMS IN THE AIR.
KAREN : GOOD GOD DAVY. YOU SHOULD STICK TO A SHELTERED LIFE IF THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF HUMOUR.
DAVY : I ALRIGHT! HERE'S ANOTHER ONE SMART ARSE.
KAREN : YOU SURE WE COULD HANDLE WHAT`S COMING.
DAVY : SHUT IT.
EVERYONE : OOOOOOOOOOOO!
DAVY : OK THIS TIME. "WHAT AM I BEING". RIGHT! "WHAT AM I BEING"
SCENE: DAVY WRAPS HIS LONG PONY TAILS AROUND HIS NECK & STARTS TO CRY.
DAVY : WAAAAAA WAAA WAAA.
JOE : YOUR A HAIR BALL STUCK IN A CATS THROAT.
DONNA : HE'S BEING THE ALIEN THAT BURSTS OUT OF THAT GUYS BELLY IN THE MOVIE
KAREN : NAW I'VE GOT IT. HE'S PUTTING OFF WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE YESTERDAY.
DAVY : WHAT!!!!!!
EVERYONE : HAHAHAHAHAHAH.
DAVY : I'M BEING BORN YA TITS. LOOK! THE HAIR ROUND MY NECK IS THE GIRLS FANNY.
EVERYONE : AWWW! YUCK!
DAVY : AND ME GOING WAAA WAA IS THE BABY CRYING AS IT'S BEING BORN.
KAREN : THAT'S PURE MINCE DAVY.
DAVY : AH GET IT UP THE LOT OF YOU. YA SIT THERE LAUGHING AT ANY OLD GARBAGE & STUFFING YIR FACE WITH CHEEP BOOZE & YOU HAVEN'T A CLUE WHAT A BLOODY LEMMA IS LET ALONE KNOW HOW A BABY IS BORN.
KAREN : WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE I'VE GOT IT. YOUR BEING PISSED OFF AT US FOR NOT LAUGHING AT YOU TURD COATED IMPRESSIONS.
EVERYONE : HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
DAVY : A GOIN FUCK YIR SELFS.
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(DHSS WASTER NUTTER) JUNE 6 2005 (006)
SCENE: THE DOLE OFFICE & MR CAMERON SITS DOWN.
KAREN : RIGHT MR CAMERON. YOU'VE BEEN WITH US FOR THREE & A HALF YEARS NOW & YOU'VE BEEN ON 6 GOVERMENT TRAINING COARCES, ALL OF WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN THROWN OFF. NON OF WHICH YOU'VE SPENT MORE THAN ONE WEEK ON & ALL THE TRAINING INTRUCTORS HAVE GIVEN THE SAME REASONS FOR YOUR DISMISSLE. YOUR A WASTER & A COMPLETE PRICK! NOT MY WORDS MR CAMERON, NOT MINE.
MR CAMERON : IT'S NO MA FAULT I'M ME & YOUR YOU. YI CANNI STOP ME BEING ME, ME BEING I THE 9TH LETTER OF THE ALPHABET & YOU BEING THE 4TH, 8TH, 19TH, & 19TH.
KAREN : WHAT?
MR CAMERON : THE DHSS! HITLERS NEWFRONT LINE HENCHMEN IN BULLIE TACTICKS. MASTERD FROM THE ENGLISH TYRENTS. 1941 THRUGH1943 CO WRITEN BY JOHN MUGN & HARRY HUM. BOTH LOST AT SEA WHILE SAILING KYTES OFF THE CLIFFS OF DOVER. THERES THEM THAT'LL SAY THE FREEMASONS KILLED THEM TO SHUT THEM UP OVER THE BENAFITS OF TAPIOKA.
KAREN : LOOK YOU! DON'T YOU TRY TI BAMBOOZLE ME WITH YIR NONCENCE. I KNOW YOUR WORK SHY TYPE & THE CRAP YOU ALL GET UP TO.
MR CAMERON : HOW'S THAT THEN?
KAREN : COS I'M YIR WIFE & YOUR MA MAN YA FUD!
MR CAMERON : I BUT NO BUT. SEE WHEN PEOPLE FALL DOWN THEY USUALLY GET UP BEFORE ANYONE SEE THEM THAT WAY THEY DON'T LOOK LOKE PURE TITS FOR FALLING ON THERE ARSE. PLUS STRAY CATS WON'T FALL ASLEEP ON THERE HEADS AS THEY LAY IN THE GUTTERE. HAIR BALL WILL KILL YOU EVERY TIME. ONE PERSON DIES A YEARS FROM SNIFFING CATS IT'S TRUE.
KAREN : HOWL YOU! GONNA SHUT UP A MINUTE.
MR CAMERON : I BUT YOU CANNI ASK LET ALONE TALK TO ME. IT'S ILLEAGAL FOR SOMEONE YOU KNOW TO INTERVIEW YOU AT THE DOLE. IT'S CALLED FRAUD PREVENTION. SO YOUR A FRUADSTER. SOMEBODY CALL THE POLLIS, SHE'S AT IT. THIS BIRDS A FRAUDSTER. UNRELAITED TO THE LITTLE BUSTER MIND YOU COS THATS A WEE BIRD.
KAREN : LOOK YOU! SEE THESE BROUSES ON MY UPPER ARMS.
MR CAMERON : SEE! I CAN SMELL THEM.
KAREN : THESE BRUSSIES WHERE CAUSED BY EVERY MEMBER OF STAFF HERE AT THE DOLE OFFICE. ALL OF WHICH JAMMED MY ARMS UP MY BACK & THREATEND ME WITH DEATH, IF YOU SHOULD EVER COME IN HERE AGAIN I & I ALONE SHOULD DEAL WITH YOU OR THERE GONNA KICK MY HEAD IN. SO THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR CLAIMENT ALRIGHT. NOT TO MENTION THERE ALL COMPLETELLY DUMFOUNDED AS TO WHY I MARRIRED A WASTER LIKE YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.
MR CAMERON : YE BUT LAST THURSDAY I RAN FOR A BUS & ENDED UP A PUB WHERE I WON A FIRST PRIZE DOMINOS COMPATION WHILE WEARING A TURKY ON MY HEAD.
KAREN : LOOK THAT'S THE LINE THAT GOT ME UP THE ISLE IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO SHUT IT & GROW UP. YOU'D THINK YOU WHERE TERRIFIED OF WORK. CHRIST YOUR UP IN THE MORRNING BEFORE ME & HOME JUST AS I GET HOME. YOUR CERTIANLY NOT SCARED OF GOING OUT, THAT'S FOR SURE.
MR CAMERON : DID YOU KNOW THAT AFTER 8 MINTS DON'T WORK BEFORE 7PM. ALICE IN WONDERLAND ONCE SAID. FUCK IS THAT THE TIME. BUT IT WAS CENCORD COS IT WAS A KIDS BOOK & THE MAD HATER TOOK A FENCE OF THE BACK OF A LORRY & NAILED IT UP ROUND HIS GARDEN
KAREN : WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! FOR GOD SAKE HAVE YOU GOT A TERMINAL DOSE OF BOLLOCKS OR MAYBE TALKING SHIT IS HIREDITY IN YOUR FAMILY. LOOK ! I'M ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE, IF YOU GET THROWN OFF YOUR NEXT TRAING COARSE, YOUR MONEY WILL BE CUT NOT TO MENTION YOUR NUTS. NOW SIGH THET & GET YOUR ARSE OUT OF HERE.
MR CAMERON : YE BUT HOW WILL I KNOW I'VE BEEN SACKED IF THE SKY FALLS DOWN IF IT'S NIGHT TIME. ONE OF THESE STARS COULD HIT ME IN THE HEAD & I MIGHT MISSMY BUS. TWO DAYS AGO SANTA ASKED ME FOR DIRECTIONS TO CLUB 18 & I SENT HIM TO A NEWS AGENT TO BUY A PORN MAG. THE 3 WISE MEN SAID THEY WHERE GONNA STOVIE MY HEAD IN & BAND ME FROM TRAVILING THE STREETS. I'VE GOT ENIMES ME. THE YOUNG TEAM, THE YOUNG DECIPLES & ALL THE OTHER MOBS HAVE IT IN FOR ME. IT TOOK ME A FORTNIGHT ONEE JUST TO GO TO THE POSTOFFICE TO CASH MY GIRO. EVERY BODYS GOT IT IN FOR ME. I'M A WANTED MAN.
KAREN : YOU MR CAMERON. I'M SURPRISED YOUR STILL ALIVE & CAN QUITE UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL YOU. BUT NON THE LESS, IF YOU DON'T GO TO BLACK HALL STREET IN PAISLEY TO DO A COARSE ON SOLDERING. YOUR BOLLOCKS TALKING DAYS WILL BE OVER ALONG WITH YOUR UNEMPLOYMENY BENEFITS OK.
MR CAMERON : I! YOU ONLY HAD TO SAY THE TEAS READY. I'LL HAVE TWO SUGARS & A WEE SPOT OF MILK. HAY! IT'S OK EVERYBODY SHE'S NO GONNA STEAL TAX PAYERS MONEY. HER STICKY FINGERS DAYS ARE OVER. FRAUD IS BUT A DISTANT MEMORRIE.
BASS : LOOK KAREN THERES NO POINT IN GOING ON WITH THIS. MAKE HIM AN APPOINTMEN TO SEE A DOCTOR AT DAGOGAN STREET. HE'S CLEARLY NOT FIT FOR WORK.
KAREN : HE'S ALL AN ACT. THIS IS ALL CRAP HE'S TALKING. HE'S A WORK SHY PRICK WHO THINKS IF HE TALKS RUBBISH & ACTS STUPID HE CAN LIVE OFF THE TAX PAYERS GRAVEY TRAIN.
BASS : KAREN JUST DO IT & GET RID OF HIM NOW OK.
KAREN : OK IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL GET.
BASS : GOOD!
KAREN : YOU CAN GO MR CAMERON & EXPECT A LETTER IN THE MAIL FROM THE MEDICAL SERVICES, WHO WILL DETERMIN IF YOUR FIT FOR WORK OR NOT & WE BOTH KNOW YOU ARE. NOW GET OUT.
MR CAMERON : THIS LETTER WILL IT BE IN A BROWN ENVILOPE, A WHITE ENVILOPE, A BIG FLOPPY ONE, A WEE ONE OR ONE OF THOSE PADDED ONES FULL OF PLASTIC AIR BUBBLES.
KAREN : I REALLY DON'T KNOW LET ALONE CARE MR CAMERON.
MR CAMERON : YEAH BUT HOW WILL I KNOW IF IT'S ARRIVED, IF I'M ASLEEP IN THE BACK OF A TAXI.
KAREN : DOES THE EXPRESSION ON MY FACE MR CAMERON SUJEST TO YOU IN ANY WAY I GIVE A SHIT.
MR CAMERON : DOCTORS DONT LIKE ME
KAREN : NEVER!
MR CAMERON : ONE ONCE THROUGH ME OUT THE TWELVE FLOOR OF A WENDY HOUSE. THEN HE SET ABOUT ME WITH THE INSOLE OF A SWEETY PAIR OF OLD TRAINER SHOES. THE JUDGE GAVE HIM TWO HUMBUGS & A PAIR OF TICKETS TO SEE STARWARS ON ICE, PERFORMMED BY THE JEWISH TABERNACKLE MOURMIN MOVEMENT
KAREN : MR CAMERON SEE THAT RECTANGLE SHAPE BEHIND YOU. WELL THAT'S THE DOOR, SO WHY DON'T YOU GO THROW IT OUT ONTO THE MAIN ROAD WHERE I HOPE YOU'LL FIND A BUS THAT'LL HOPEFULLY RUN YOU OVER PUTTING US ALL OUT OF YOUR MISSERY. COS NOT ONLY ARE YOU DOING MY HEAD IN BUT I FEAR THAT OLD LADY WAITING BEHIND YOU IS SWEETING SO PROFUSLLY FROM LISTENING TO YOUR INAIN VOICE, I FEAR SHE IS ABOUT TO DIE FROM DHYDRASTION ANY MINUTE NOW. SO WILL YOU DO US ALL A FOAVOUR & LEAVE, NOW!
MR CAMERON : FINE IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.
SCENE: MR CAMERON GETS UP & GOES THROW A DOOR NEXT TO KARENS DESK.
SCENE: KAREN SHAKES HER HEAD & FEWS! AS SHE STANDS UP & OPENS THE DOOR. THE CAMERA IS ON KARENS FACE
KAREN : MR CAMERON WILL YOU PLEASE COME OUT OFF THERE. YOUR IN THE BROOM CLAUSET.
SCENE: THE CAMERA IS ON MR CAMERONS FACE IN CLOSE UP.
MR CAMERON : DO YOU MIND! CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS A RELIGIOUSE STUDY GROUP YOUR DISRUPTING.
SCENE: THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT & THE COUBOURD IS FULL OF PEOPLE DRESSED AS JESUS, GOD, THE POPE, JEWS, SANTA CLAUSE, PANTOMIME HORSE & A CIGAR SMOKING SNOWMAN.
MR CAMERON : BLOODY CIVILCERVANTS.
SCENE: MR CAMERON PULLS THE DOOR CLOSED & KAREN LOOKS STUND.
SCENE: THE DOOR OPENS & MR CAMERON THROWS OUT THE SNOWMAN.
MR CAMERON : WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE BLOODY CIGARS. THIS IS A NO SMOKING BUILDING, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US CLOSED DOWN.
SCENE: MR CAMERON PULLS THE DOOR CLOSED.
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(ANTI GRAPHETI (1) JULY 18 2005 (011)
SCENE: A MAN ARRIVES IN HIS CAR TO OPEN UP HIS CORNER SHOP ONLY TO SEE SOMEONE HAS SPRAY PAINTED ALL OVER THE SHUTTERS.
TEXT : JAZZY B. LOVES JENNY C.
SHOP KEEPER : YA WEE PRICK! I'LL SORT YOU OUT, JAZZY BOLLOCKS!
SCENE: THE SHOP KEEPER GOES TO HIS CAR & TAKES OUT A CAN OF SPRAY PAINT. HE SPRAYS ONTO THE WALL AS THE CAMERA IS BEHIND HIS HEAD & YOU CAN'T YET SEE WHAT HE'S SPRAYED. HE STEPS BACK & LAUGHS.
SHOP KEEPER : HA HA HA HAH.
SCENE: YOU THEN SEE HE'S ADDED WRIGHTING TO THE GRAPHEETI ON HIS SHUTTER AS JAZZY B WALKS BYE WITH HIS FRIENDS.
TEXT : JAZZY B. LOVES JENNY C. COS SHE DOESN'T CARE I ONLY HAVE A 2 INCH COCK & SMELL OF PISS.
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(ANTI GRAPHETI (2) JULY 18 2005 (012)
SCENE: THE SHOP KEEPER WALKS OUT HIS SHOP & SHAKES HIS HEAD AT GRAFFETI ON HIS SHUTTERS.
TEXT : THE GLASGOW YOUNG TEAM
SCENE: THE SHOP KEEPER TAKES A CAN OF SPRAY PAINT OUT OF HIS OVERALLS POCKET & ADDS TO THE GRAPHETI.
TEXT : THE GLASGOW YOUNG TEAM CAN'T GO A DAY WITHOUT SHEEP SHAGGING OR DRESSING UP AS SHOOL GIRLS.
SCENE: THE YOUNG TEAM WALK BYE AS THE SHOP KEEPER SAYS
SHOP KEEPER : COME & HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOUR SMART ENOUGH.
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(ANTI GRAPHETI (3) JULY 18 2005 (013)
SCENE: THE SHOP KEEPER SPOTS A YOB SPRAYING HIS SHUTTER THROUGH HIS WINDOW & RUNS OUT TO SCARE HIM OFF.
SHOP KEEPER : HO! YA WEE SHIT! GET THE HELL OUT OFF HERE OR I'LL PUT MY TOE UP YIR ARSE IF I GET MY HANDS ON YOU.
YOB : TOE UP MY ARSE? IN YIR DREAMS YA OLD PERVERT. WHAT ARE YI! A BIG POOFTER? HA HA HAHA.
SCENE: THE SHOP KEEPER SPOTS THE YOBS WRITEN HIS NAME ON THE SHUTTER.
TEXT : DANNY D.
SHOP KEEPER : POOFTER IS IT! WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT YA WEE TURD.
SCENE: THE SHOP KEEPER PULLS OUT HIS SPRAY CAN & ADDS TO THE BOYS NAME. HE CALLS OUT TO HIS ASSISTANT.
SHOP KEEPER : DAVY! BRING OUT THAT BOX OF ASSORTED COLOURED SPRAY CANS WILL YOU SON.
SCENE: THE CAMERA PANS ALONG THE WALL & YOU SEE THE TEXT.
TEXT : RENT BOY DANNY D TAKES IT IN THE ARSE FOR £15. NO TIME WASTERS OR SMELLY DICKS.
SCENE: THE SHOP KEEPER MOVES OUT OF THE WAY & HE'S SPRAY PAINTED A COLOURED PORTRAITE OF THE YOB BESIDE THE TEXT.
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(PEICE OF ME) AUGUST22 2005 (028)
SCENE: A CLOSE UP ON A MANS FACE AS HE SAYS.
MAN: DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME! DID YOU YOU SAY YOU WANT A PICES OF ME?
SCENE: THE CAMERA CUTS TO A WASTE HIGHT SHOT BEHIND A NAKED GIRL FACING THE NAKED MAN & SHE KNEELS DOWN TO BLOW HIM.
MAN: YEAH SHE WANTS A PEICE OF ME.
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(BRIDGE JUMPER) AUGUST27 SEPT26 2005 (030)
SCENE: A MAN TREATENS TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER AS A COP TRYS TO TALK HIM DOWN.
MAN: GET BACK, GET BACK! OR I'M GONNA JUMP.
COP 1: COME ON SON YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT.
COP 2: HE'S RIGHT! LISTEN TO HIM SON. ONLY LAST WEEK HE STOPPED AN OLD MAN FROM TAKING AN OVER DOSE. BUT THEN AGAIN HE DID DIE OF A HEART ATTACK BECAUSE HE NEVER TOOK HIS ANGINA HEART MEDICINE?
COP 1: SHUT IT YOU!.
MAN: I'M GONNA JUMP IF YOU DONT GET BACK.
COP 1: YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE DOCK YARD SEWRAGE PIPE POURS OUT INTO THIS PART OF THE RIVER SON.
MAN: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! I'M GONNA JUMP.
COP 2: YOU WILL IF YOU LAND ON A PARTICULARLLY HARD FLOATER. PLUS ANYONE WHO KNOWS YOU WANT BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY YOU DOWN AT THE MORGE IF YOUR COVERED IN SHITE.
COP 1: WILL YOU SHUT THE FFF UP.
MAN: JUST GET LOST THE PAIR OF YOU WILL YI.
COP 2: COME ON SON YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE INFRONT OF YOU. APPART FROM THE YEAR YOU'LL PROBIBLLY HAVE TO SPEND IN A MENTAL WARD FRO ATTEMPTING SUACIDE IF YOU COME DOWN.
COP 1: FOR ONCE SON HE'S RIGHT. THEY LOCK YOU SUACIDE NUTTERS UP IN A PADDED ROOM WITH NO VISITORS FOR 6 MONTHS & IF YOU THINK THAT RIVER SMELLS BAD JUST WAIT TILL YOU SMELL THOSE URINE SOCKED SHEETS IN A SYCRIATRIC WARD.
COP 2: THAT'S RIGHT SON I'VE JUST RECENTLLY GOT THE SMELL OF PISS OUT THE BACK OF MY THROAT. I WAS ON TWO PACKS OF POLO MINTS A HOUR. BUT HAY I'M ALL BETTER NOW.
COP 1: HUH!!!!!!
MAN: SCREW YOU COPPER I'M OUT OF HERE.
SCENE: THE MAN JUMPS & THE COPS YELL.
COP 1: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COP 2: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! LUCKY BASTARD!
MAN: AHHHH! MY ARSE.
SCENE: THE RIVER IS ONLY A FOOT DEEP & THE MANS LANDED ON TOP OF A WATER WORKS WORKER CROTCH, WHO'S LYING ON HIS BACK SCREEEMING.
COP 2: OH I MENT TO SAY, DON'T JUMP DOWN ON TOP OF THAT GUY WHO'S DOING A PISS.
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(MONEY) SEPT 19 2005 (034)
SCENE: 2 GUYS ROW OVER MONEY " THIS SHOULD RUN INBETWEEN SKITZ & THE VERY LAST SKETCK YOU SEE THE PUNCHLINE??????)
DAVY: YOU OWE ME MONEY.
GEORGE: A DON'T OWE YOU MONEY.
DAVY: YOU OWE ME MONEY.
GEORGE: A DON'T OWE YOU MONEY.
DAVY: YOU OWE ME MONEY.
GEORGE: A DON'T OWE YOU MONEY.
DAVY: YOU OWE ME MONEY.
GEORGE: A DON'T OWE YOU MONEY.
SCENE: CUT! TO ANOTER SKETCH. "DO THIS 2 OR 3 TIME EACH TIME THE 2 GUYS ARE AT DIFFERENT PLACES SAYING THE SAME THING PLUS IT WOULD BE COOL IF YOU SAW THEM IN OTHER SKETCHES IN THE BACK GROUND OR THROUGH THE WINDOW MOUTHING TO EACH OTHER BUT YOU DONT HEAR THEM"
SCENE: GEORGE WAKES UP PISSED ON HIS COUCH COVERED IN CANS, HE HOLDS IS HEAD & HAS A FLASH BACK.
DAVY: I'LL LEND YOU MONEY BUT I WANT IT BACK.
GEORGE: YOU WILL, YOU'LL GET IT BACK.
DAVY: I'LL LEND YOU MONEY BUT I WANT IT BACK.
GEORGE: YOU WILL, YOU'LL GET IT BACK.
DAVY: I'LL LEND YOU MONEY BUT I WANT IT BACK.
GEORGE: YOU WILL, YOU'LL GET IT BACK.
SCENE: CUT BACK TO GEORGE WHO MOUTHS THE WORDS TO HIMSELF "FUCK" WHEN DAVY SITS UP & INTO SHOT AS CANS FALL ALL OVER THE PLACE & HE SAYS.
DAVY: YOU OWE ME MONEY.
GEORGE: A DON'T OWE YOU MONEY.
DAVY: YOU OWE ME MONEY.
GEORGE: A DON'T OWE YOU MONEY.
DAVY: YOU OWE ME MONEY.
GEORGE: A DON'T OWE YOU MONEY.
DAVY: YOU OWE ME MONEY.
GEORGE: A DON'T OWE YOU MONEY.
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(PARIFONAL VISION) SEPT 21 2005 (035)
SCENE: HEAD SHOTS OF A MAN & 3 WOMAN WHO TALK ABOUT WHAT THEY LOVE MOST.
LIZ: HERE DONNA WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST OF ALL.
DONNA: OH IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THAT TIME I WHENT UP IN A HELICOPTER. THAT WAS SO COOL.
LIZ: WHAT ABOUT YOU ALISON.
ALISON: DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN MY MUM & DAD DIED & I INHERITED ALL THERE MONEY.
LIZ: YEAH?
ALISON: WELL THAT WAS PRETTY COOL, BUT ASK ME THAT SAME QUESTION WHEN GRANNY JONES POPS HERE CLOGS. NOW THAT'S GONNA BE A DAY TO REMEMBER.
LIZ: THAT GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE WORD MORBID ALISON, HAY DONNA.
DONNA: I STRANGE & WORRING.
ALISON: SO WHAT'S YOUR BEST THING THEN LIZ, EATING CHOCOLATE OF SOME GUYS NOB.
LIZ: NO THAT WOULD BE MY SECOND BEST THING. NO THE THING I LOVE MOST OF ALL IS WHEN DONNA & I GOT OUR BOOBS DONE AT PLASTIC FANTASTIC
ALISON: WHAT BUY TWO & GET ONE FREE.
LIZ: YIP. FLAT CHESTED ONE MINUTE & PRICK TEASE THE NEXT.
DONNA: WHAT ABOUT YOU DAVID. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURET THING OF ALL TIME.
SCENE: DAVID STAIRS FORWARD WITHOUT BLINKING & THE 3 GIRLS ALL LEAN FORWARD TO PICK DRINKS OFF THE TABLE AS THERE BOOBS & CLEAVAGE ALL SPILL OUT OF THE LOW FITTING TOPS.
DAVID: WELL DONNA THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE THE MOST SIMPLEST OF THINGS OF ALL TIMES.
DONNA: WHICH IS?
DAVID: PRORIFONAL VISION.
ALISON: WHAT?
DONNA: HUH?
LIZ: COME AGAIN?
DONNA: YOU SURE DO LEAD A DULL LIFE DON'T YOU DAVY.
DAVID: AH! WHAT EVER.
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(NO) SEPT21 2005 (036)
SCENE: 2 WOMEN SIT HAVING TEA AS A WEE BOY KEEPS ASKING QUESTIONS.
DONNA: THIS IS A GREAT WALL PAPER YOU'VE CHOOSEN FOR YOUR LIVEN ROOM KAREN. DID YOU HANG IT YOUR SELF.
KAREN: NO I USE A FRIEND OF MINE, WEE DOUGIE. HE HAS HIS OWN DECORATING BUISNESS BUT THE ONLY THING IS HE'S IN GREAT DEMAND.
BOY: HELLO WOULD YOU LIKE A SWEET?
DONNA: NO THANK YOU. I USE A GUY KENNY REID. SAID TO BE THE FASTED PAPER HANGER IN THE BUISNESS. ALSON IN DEMAND.
BOY: WOULD YOU LIKE A GO ON MY ACTION MAN.
DONNA: NO.
KAREN: WE'RE PLANING TO TURN OUR BACK ROOM INTO A MEDIA ROOM. IT'S SAT EMPTY FOR MONTHS.
DONNA: THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING
KAREN: IT WAS JOE WHO GAVE US THE IDEA AFTER HE FINISHED DECORATING IT FOR US. HIS FRIEND DAVID CAMERON MAKES MUSIC VIDEOS, CDS, GRAPHICS, CLEANS UP OLD PHOTOS & VIDEO TAPES & PUTS THEM ONTO DVD.
DONNA: YE!
KAREN: PLUS HE DESIGNS WEBSITES WITH HIS HOME PC. YOU KNOW IN MY DAY DONNA ALL WE EVER USED A PC FOR WAS TO CREATE BORING DATA BASES & DULL SPREAD SHEATS PROGRAMS TO CREATE WAGES PAYROLLS. I THINK HE'S CALLED DDDOC PRODUCTIONS.COM
DONNA: WOW YOU'LL NEED TO LET ME SEE IT AFTER YOU'VE SET IT ALL UP KAREN.
BOY: WOULD YOU LIKE A GO ON MY GAME BOY MISS.
DONNA: NO.
BOY: WOULD YOU LIKE TO HOLD MY PET HAMSTER.
DONNA: NO.
BOY: WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY CARD TRICK.
DONNA: NO THANK YOU.
KAREN: IS HE BOTHERING YOU?
DONNA: NO BUT HE'S A PERSISTANT WEE SHIT.
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Goto MY NEW SITE, IT'S FULL OF MUSIC, VIDEOS, LINKS AND TONS OF COMEDY SKETCHES AT DDDOCPRODUCTIONSMUSIC
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goto SOUNDCLICK.COM WHERE MY MP3 MUSIC IS ON SALE
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E-MAIL DAVID CAMERON AT: dddoc65@talktalk.net
dddoc
